The blues seem to be going around lately. Maybe it’s just that time of year. Maybe there’s something in the air. Maybe there’s a dip on this part of the graph.
We start to wonder what it is we have done here. We start to wonder what it will look like six months from now when we are preparing ourselves for our final goodbyes. We question, we seek, we doubt.
An old friend who is no longer part of my life used to support me in times like these. His thoughtful presence, intent, and attention made me feel seen, loved, and free in so many ways.
There was something that he would always say to me on days like these — days when it feels like nothing is going right and I heap the lion’s share of blame on myself. It was something I needed to hear, something that still echoes in my ears in his steady, soft voice when it needs to be heard;
You’re not doing anything wrong.”
Lately I feel as if the way people see me doesn’t line up with the way I see myself, or with the way I want to make people feel. I feel confused.
I feel as if I am losing myself. This is both good and bad. In that losing there are so many things to discover, and I can begin to let go of things that don’t serve me here in the present — relics from a time long since past, but not forgotten. I’m not fighting the same battles. I’m not facing the same demons. I’m not walking the same parapets.
Sometimes I feel there is no winning with me, like I’m fighting a battle against myself. When I’m alone I want to be with others, when I’m with others I want to be alone.
This is true and it’s not. I want so badly to show myself but I am still afraid. In spite of everything I am still afraid. I’m afraid that people will see me and think I’m weak.
But what’s wrong with weakness? Where does this aversion come from? I want to cast it off. It doesn’t belong to me. I don’t want it and I never did.
In my most satisfying fantasies no one expects anything of me, especially not strength or composure.
So where are you right now?”
I feel like the adult.
I feel tiredness wrapping itself like a cocoon around my body.
I feel a weight settling on me and I don’t have the power to shake it off anymore.
Depressed. Into the ground. Energy and motivation are fleeting.
I feel like other people need me.
I feel afraid that no one will be there for me to need, for me to crash into.
I still feel lost.
I feel like I’m emptying out.
And nothing is coming back in.
I feel not myself.
But who am I?
Is this what letting go of yourself feels like? What is in that space between the person I was and the person I will be? That’s where I am and it’s dark and lonely and scary. I am afraid I will get lost here or that I’m not strong enough to endure it.
So break. So get lost. So flounder, drown, flail.
Sailors run aground
In a sea change nothing is safe
Push us every way
In a stolen boat we’ll float away
-Beck, Little One