Feeling into the space there is a lightness, an ease. Freedom as a concept blossoms into reality and the mind wanders to explore the possibilities of a being unfettered by pain, trauma, or sadness. What could such a being have accomplished?
That being does not exist. Cannot exist. Lightness becomes heavy with the real, lived experience of existing in a body.
In the darkness, one voice says softly, “They did the best they could.” First a whimper, then another voice shouts, “No!”
Pain wrenches and twists. Resistance hardens. Acceptance flits beyond the reach of grasping fingers.
Everything happened exactly as it should have. It couldn’t have happened any other way — if it could, it would have.
I want to believe in a world where everyone is trying their best. Not a world where no one ever makes mistakes, or hurts others, or fails. A world where, in spite of all the realities, we can understand and accept that everyone we see around us is doing everything within their ability at any given moment.
A world where pain has its place. A world of forgiveness. An unfair, chaotic world. A world that has an equally expansive capacity for kindness and generosity as it has for cruelty and selfishness. Intellectually you know this world, but you don’t let yourself feel it, because that means you have no control over it. You are at its will, at its mercy — and it has none. A world where there are no answers, where there is no The Answer.”
It means admitting that you can’t protect yourself from pain. No matter how well trained you are at predicting and anticipating and preventing, pain will come to you. You can’t protect others from pain, even when it comes from you — maybe especially then. It means accepting that you have hurt, are hurting, and will continue to hurt people.
A world where you are not better than anyone. You are trying your best just as they are trying their best — the best they can manage. Yeah, but and what if is irrelevant . . . if they were free from the things that restrict them, that hold them, that bind them to fear, anger, and pain, their best would look different. If they had more capacity. If we did. Because we’re not, and we don’t. Change will always come, but accepting where we are right at any given moment isn’t about what capacity we might have in the future, or what capacities we used to think we had.
Maybe that world is possible. I have to believe that it is. It isn’t a better world, because it isn’t about being better or worse. It’s a world where I can accept things as they are and love people’s best efforts, even when they hurt — especially when they hurt. To extend grace and kindness and love to the people who hurt me, and especially to myself.
We are already living in this world. Awakening to it is the path on which I want to set myself.
Stone into Water 